Manchester United Jokes
Funniest Manchester United FC Jokes

Manchester United Jokes - Introduction

Welcome to the funniest Manchester United football jokes part of this website.

Without any further introduction, here are some of the best FC Man United jokes.

Man United Jokes

Q. Which three league teams have swear words in their names?

A. Scunthorpe United, Arsenal and f**king Manchester United.

Jokes About Manchester United

One afternoon an elderly man turned up at the offices of a large Manchester company.

"Good afternoon;" he said, "I'm Tony Collier's uncle. I've come to ask if he can have the afternoon off so I can take him to the match."

"I'm afraid he's not here," came the reply, "We already gave him the afternoon off so he could attend your funeral."

Best Jokes About Man United FC

Q. What's the similarity between Manchester United and a 3-pin plug?

A. They're both useless in Europe.

FC Man United Jokes continued

Q.What's the difference between a hedgehog and the Man U team bus?

A. The Man U bus has more pricks!

Manchester United Football Jokes

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

A: They had pictures of Manchester United Players on them...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

FC Manchester United Funny Jokes

Q: What do Manchester United Fans and sperm have in common?

A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Jokes Manchester United FC

A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manchester United fan he would see strutting down the side of the road, dressed in their ubiquitous red colors.

He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in!"

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the man.

However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunting shit, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said

"I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Manchester United fan,"

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got the f***er with the door!"

Manchester United Football Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a vibrator?

A: Manchester United fan is a real dick.

Manchester United Football Jokes

Q: What do Manchester fans use as birth control?

A: Their personalities.

Man United Funny Jokes

A Man United fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Manchester United shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf.

"Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven."

"What?" Exclaims the man, astonished.

"You heard, no Man United fans."

"But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Manchester Utd supporter.

"Oh really," says St. Peter. "What have you done, then?"

"Well," said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa."

"Oh," says St. Peter. "Anything else?"

"Well, two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."

"Hmmm. Anything else?"

"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."

"Okay," said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."

Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now screw off."

Manchester United Jokes

Top tip for Manchester United fans:
Don't waste money on expensive new kits every season.
Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediately know which team you support.

Manchester United Jokes

Q: What’s the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?

A: God doesn’t think he’s Alex Ferguson.

Manchester United FC Jokes

Q. What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?

A: Gifted.

Manchester United Football Club Jokes

Q: What’s the difference between Alex Ferguson and a jet engine?

A: A jet engine eventually stops whining!

Manchester United Football Club Jokes

Q: What’s the difference between a Man U keeper and a taxi driver?

A: A taxi driver will only let in four at a time.

Manchester Funny Jokes

Q. How do you confuse a Man U fan?

A. Show him a map of Manchester.

Manchester United Humor

Q: What’s red and white and funny?

A: A bus load of Man U fans going over a cliff.

Manchester United Jokes

Q. What’s the difference between a Man United supporter and a bucket of cow manure?

A. The bucket.

Manchester United Jokes

Q. What do you get when you offer a Manchester United fan a penny for his thoughts?

A. Change!

Manchester United Jokes

Q. What’s the difference between listening to Alex Ferguson’s after-match interview and childbirth?

A. One’s an extremely painful almost unbearable experience, and the other one’s just having a baby.

Manchester United Jokes

Q. What do you have when 100 Manchester United Fans are buried up to their necks in sand?

A. Not enough sand.

Manchester United Jokes

Q. You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Manchester United Fan.You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

A. Shoot the United Fan. Twice.

Manchester United Jokes

Q. How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Seven, one to change it, five to moan about it and Ferguson to say if the ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would have never gone out!

Manchester United Jokes

Q. What do you call a pregnant Man United fan?

A. A dope carrier!

Manchester United Jokes

Q.How does the Manchester United fan prepare for a urine test?

A.He studies for 2 weeks.

Manchester United Jokes

Four football fans were climbing a mountain one day. Each was a fan of a different team in the premiership and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans of their football team.

As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top.

The Arsenal fan hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Gunners!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be out done, the Newcastle fan threw himself off the mountain, proclaiming "This is for the Magpies!"

Seeing this, the Liverpool fan walked over and shouted "This is for the true Reds and everyone!" and pushed the Man United fan off the side of the mountain.

Manchester United Jokes

There is a old Liverpool fan who is dying so he calls his Liverpool friends and asks them to do one last thing for him.

They say 'yes of course' so he asks for a Manchester United shirt. His friends think that that's a little bit weird because he has been the biggest Liverpool FC fan his whole life.

But because he is dying they accept and get him a shirt.

After the old man put on the man u shirt, one of his friends asks him why he changes team right before he dies, he says 'better one of them dying then one of us'.

Manchester United Jokes

A man goes into a bar with an alligator under his arm.

"Do you serve Manchester United fans in here?" he asks.

"Certainly Sir, no problem at all," replies the barman, nervously staring at the alligator.

"Okay," says the man, "a stein of Heineken for me and 2 Manchester United fans for the alligator."

Manchester United Jokes

Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams.

The first one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Arsenal next win the Champions League?". God Replies, "In the next five years"

"But I'll be dead by then", says the man.

The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Tottenham next win the Champions League?".

I'll The Good Lord answers, "In the next ten years".

"But I'll be dead by then", says the man.

The third one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Man. U. win the Champions League?". God Answers, "I will be dead by then!"

Manchester United Jokes

A Liverpool fan, an Arsenal fan and a Manchester United fan were all in Saudi Arabia drinking a smuggled crate of booze.

All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.

For their punishment the Saudi Arabia Sheik decided that the punishment should be 20 lashes with a whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it.

The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.

The Manchester United fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The Liverpool fan was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of England, your city has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Liverpool fan replied.

"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked.

"Tie that Manchester United fan to my back..."

Manchester United Jokes

A Man City and Man United fan collide in a huge accident on the motorway. Both cars are a wreck, but both men are unhurt.

"This must be a sign from God that we are meant to be friends" says the City fan "I agree" replies the United fan

The City fan then returns to the wreckage of his car, and finds a bottle of whiskey he had been saving.

"Look" he says to the united fan, "this must be another sign from God, we should drink this whiskey to celebrate our friendship and survival"

He hands the bottle over to the United fan who takes a large gulp from the bottle before passing it back to the City fan, who then puts the top back on & returns the bottle to his car.

"Aren't you having any?" asks the United fan. "No" replied the City fan, "I think I’ll wait til the Police get here."

Manchester United Jokes

Beckham, Keane and Ferguson are all trapped on the roof of a burning building. The Fire Brigade duly arrive and hold out the big blanket for the guys to jump onto.

They are understandably all a bit nervous but, being a brave lad and the club captain, Keane goes first. At the last second, the firemen whip the blanket away. Keane splats on the pavement, dead.

Still giggling, the firemen shout to Ferguson to go next. He jumps, they move the blanket, he makes a pancake on the pavement, high fives all around from the firemen.

Last to go is Beckham. But he's not having any of it....

"You'll move the blanket" he shouts.

"No we won't" they reply.

"It's no good, I don't trust you. You'll move the blanket again" shouts Becks.

"Come on, jump you fool" they shout.

"Well, alright" he replies. "But I'm not jumping until you put the blanket down and move away from it......"

Manchester United Jokes

A Leeds fan, an Arsenal fan and a Manchester United fan escape from prison.

They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest.

When they climbed up, they found three large sacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.

About an hour later two police officers came into the barn. The sergeant told the constable to go up and check out the hayloft.

When he got up there the sergeant asked him what he saw and the constable yelled back, "Just 3 sacks."

The sergeant told him to find out what was in them, so the constable kicked the first sack, which had the Leeds fan in it.

Leeds fan went, "Woof", so the constable told the sergeant there was a dog in it.

Then he kicked the sack with the Arsenal fan in it and the Arsenal fan went, "Meow", so he told him there was a cat in it.

Then he kicked the one with the Manchester United fan in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked 6 more times, and finally the Manchester United fan said, "Potatoes".

Manchester United Jokes

Q: Have you heard about the Manchester United fan who bought an AM radio?

A: He'd had it for two years before he realized he could listen to it in the afternoon.

Manchester United Jokes

There you have some of the funniest Man United jokes I could find.

I hope you had as much fun reading them as I did :)